We’ve hit peak streaming. And by peak streaming I mean just an inundation of streaming services. It’s stupidly ridiculous. Remember when the selling point for getting Netflix or Hulu was that it would be cheaper than paying $100 a month for cable? Get all your shows and movies on Netflix for only $15 a month and rid yourself of that cable box, cable fees, and huge cable bill. Sign up for Hulu you can even watch live TV for a third of the price. Get both and you are still paying less than half your cable bill.
Doesn’t cable seem like a good option sometimes now?
It’s still expensive. Too expensive. But you can watch your shows. Cable has free movies on demand. You can pay for other movies. You can add on the movie channels for extra. Or many times you can enjoy a free trial on the movie channels for a few months, then just cancel them. Many cable services even come with a free trial of a streaming service. Get the best of both worlds, if even for only a short time.
What exactly is the benefit of streaming again?
As mentioned above, there are simply too many streaming services. And individually they are not too expensive, even though they have all been raising prices, but taken together? Because that’s the thing, how many people have only one streaming service? And for the moment I am discounting people who only pay for one streaming service. Minimum two, right? Probably Netflix and Hulu. Or maybe Disney+. Or Amazon Prime Video. Or Paramount+. Or HBO Max. Or Peacock. Or Apple TV+. Or Discovery+. One for finding television shows or movies or whatever you want to watch at any point in time and one for keeping up-to-date on your television shows. Netflix or Disney+ or whatever for just finding things you want to watch and then Hulu for it’s live TV or day after air viewing option. Of course you could also use something like YouTube TV for that instead of Hulu. Or Fubo TV. Or Philo. Or Sling TV.
Now that you are limiting yourself to two streaming services you do have to choose your on-demand, let’s-find-a-random TV show or movie to watch based on your preferences. Want to be able to watch anything Disney? Have to get Disney+. Any Universal movies? Have to get Peacock. Paramount entertainment? Paramount+, obviously. HBO shows or movies? Get yourself HBO Max. Like horror? Maybe you should shun the major services and get yourself Shudder. You must define and prioritize your preferences.
It has all become so segregated. A streaming service for every company. Almost. Every media company looked at the success of Netflix and Hulu and others and thought, why license our content when we could start our own service and make people pay us to watch it? Because it’s too much. That’s why.
And there’s never anything to watch. People spend 19 minutes on average scrolling through streaming services deciding what to watch. That’s the real doomscrolling. Sure, there are things I want to watch, but maybe not right now. Do I really want to watch something new that I am truly interested in watching? No, because that means I have to actually pay attention to what I’m watching. A lot of times I don’t want to have to pay attention to what I’m “watching”. So, I don’t want something new, I guess I have to scroll through to find something old. Or maybe I do want to watch a new movie or TV show. Well how much time do I have to watch it? Let’s try to find a movie that isn’t too long or a TV show I don’t mind having to stop when I have to go. Okay, then what genre do I want to watch? It’s too early for horror. I’m not in the mood for comedy. Maybe action. Something I don’t have to think about. But not corny, cheap, B-level action. Good action. Maybe with a little levity. Let’s see what we can find…
Now do I search by genre? Just go into the Action section and see what’s available? But why is Bill & Ted classified as an Action movie? I mean I guess there’s action in it, but it’s not an action movie. Maybe I can search A-Z, just go alphabetically until I come across something that looks interesting. No. That takes too long. Plus I’m not seeing anything I want to watch. I don’t like the actor or the description doesn’t sound good or I think I might have seen it before and I don’t want to get 20 minutes in and realize I do remember this movie, kind of, and if I can’t remember the rest of it the movie obviously wasn’t memorable enough to make note of so why would I watch it again only to forget it, again. I guess I’ll just look through the “Movies For You” section.
Which ends the excessive preamble to get to the actual point.
Ever look through the “Movies For You” or “TV Shows for You” section on your streaming service and instantaneously become horrified? Simply appalled at the scene laid out before you for reasons twofold. One, your preferences and likes and previous viewings and screen time have been collated, tabulated, enumerated, and codified to accurately predict the next thing(s) you should watch. The machines are learning. Skynet isn’t some artificial intelligence in a military mountain base, it’s Netflix. And two, I’ve seen them already. Not only is the machine accurately selecting movies for me, I have seen all the selections. I have wasted my life. I have seen these movies and most of them are not good.
To paint a picture, here is the current “Movies For You” selection when I view Hulu:
Private Benjamin – Good movie
Fools Rush In – Seen it numerous times
The First Wives Club – Good movie
The Core – Watchable
Red – As long as it’s not the sequel
Double Jeopardy – Good movie
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves – Excellent movie
High Fidelity – Back when John Cusack made good movies
True Lies – Good Arnold Schwarzenegger action movie
Three Kings – Good movie, very underrated
Son in Law – If you like stupid, Pauly Shore movies
Hope Floats – No thank you
Kate & Leopold – Nope
The Faculty – Good, kind of B-level horror, science fiction
Maverick – It’s fun
Better Off Dead – Again, when John Cusack made good movies
Multiplicity – Michael Keaton, Andi MacDowell, very 90s comedy, but good
Tin Cup – I like it
Pleasantville – Very good
The Last Boy Scout – Bruce Willis 90s action movie, it’s not Die Hard, but it’s good
Disturbing Behavior – Meh
The Fifth Element – Yes
Hot Tub Time Machine – Very funny and good movie
Urban Legend – Corny but pretty good
What Lies Beneath – Not a good movie
RocknRolla – Should have been better
Death Becomes Her – Funny
10 Things I Hate About You – Teenage angst before anyone knew who Heath Ledger was
The Stepford Wives – Just no
Down Periscope – If you like stupid satire
Unplugging – Actually never seen it, and no thank you
Fast Times at Ridgemont High – Iconic
Escape from LA – Excellent
Queenpins – Not interested
Joe Versus the Volcano – One of the worst Tom Hanks movies
Surrogates – Bruce Willis has lost a few steps
Ghost Town – Massively underrated
Short Circuit – How do you not like Short Circuit?
Nobody – Sooo good
Limitless – The TV show was better
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark – It’s Indiana Jones, come on
Black Sheep – If you like Chris Farley, yes, if not, no
Evolution – Dumb
Man of the Year – Good
This is 40 – Too long but good
Nine Months – No to Hugh Grant 90s movies
Overboard – Meh
Law Abiding Citizen – Very good
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People – Funny
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – What I said about Indiana Jones before, forget it
School Ties – Very dark, very good
Free Guy – Good, better on second viewing
Big – One of the best Tom Hanks movies
Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead – The original, the best version
American Pie – The original, the best one
The Heat – How was this not good?
My Cousin Vinny – See the Karate Kid as not the Karate Kid
Grindhouse: Planet Terror: If you like this sort of thing, and I do
Primal Fear – I’ve tried, I can’t like Richard Gere
Promising Young Woman – Don’t know this one
Scream – Excellent, redefined the horror genre
Sleppy Hollow – Perfect for Halloween
Powder – Weird
We’re the Millers – Overrated
Elvis – Have not seen this yet, don’t think I will
Hit & Run – It’s ok
Cowboys and Aliens – Should have been better
The Gift – Meh
Conspiracy Theory – I like it
The Day the Earth Stood Still – Watch the original, not this one
Simply Irresistible – No it is not
The Butterfly Effect – Watch the Director’s Cut because the original ending ruins the whole movie
Kindergarten Cop – Yes
The Other Woman – No
Grindhouse: Death Proof – Again, if it’s your thing
Over 60 suggestions and I have not seen 3. It is sad for me, one, because, really? That’s too many. And two, suggest me movies I haven’t seen Hulu. No, not Eva Longoria movies. I don’t just like Bruce Willis and Harrison Ford and John Cusack and Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kevin Costner. I do like them, generally speaking. But I like other people too. Just not Eva Longoria. Although I do like Over Her Dead Body. It’s not good good, but it’s good.
Except I don’t really want more. I want less. I want less choice. I want to be able to find something to watch in under 19 minutes on one or two streaming services. That’s it.
I know some people will say, well just do the free trials and see which one(s) you would want to keep. And then you can look to see what is coming out on the streaming services every month and then add and cancel your subscriptions when you want to watch specific things. Really? I have to remember to cancel my subscriptions every month? What if I’m not using a service at a given time? Should I also get rid of the app for it? Then I have to download it again when I want to use it again? Otherwise it’s just taking my space on my phone. And do I have to keep coming up with new passwords every time I sign up again? I should, right? Security and whatnot.
It’s too much work. Give me one. Give me two. That’s all. I’m obviously not going to stop streaming things. I’m not going back to cable. They’re too expensive and want to bundle me things. I just want simple.
Because what’s the alternative? A book? Am I really going to read a book? Plus, again, what kind of book? Fiction? Nonfiction? What kind of fiction? What kind of nonfiction? Long book? Short book? Hard cover? Soft cover? An actual book or online book? So then I need to get a Kindle? What books do they have there? Are there other online places to get books? What books do they have? Maybe I should just order a book online. Amazon has lots of books. But how long will it take to deliver it? It’s not always fast anymore. A week? Do I want to wait a week for this book?
Maybe I’ll just stream something. Let’s see what’s on Amazon Prime Video.
Or ask Bing Chat.
Armchair Midrash 